Food stuffs that don't like me

"shop-teacher" (shop-teacher) 09/29/2016 at 11:48 • Filed to: Thursday morning shit-post

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As a follow-up to my post from yesterday, !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! , the following food stuffs don’t like me. I find as I’m getting older (I’m 35 now), this list is growing.

1. Barbecue sauce: This was the first food to turn on me. If I eat a little bit of barbecue, I feel sick. If I eat a full meal with barbecue sauce on it, I’ll crap my brains out within 20 minutes, and feel like fried hell. Dry rub bbq only for me now.

2. Artificial sweeteners: Especially aspartame, if I consume even a sip of diet pop, I will get a raging headache. I was never a big soda drinker, but I was a fan of Diet A&W root beer, but since aspartame turned on me all that crap is a no-go.

3. Chocolate chip cookies: This is a cruel punishment from life. I LOOOOVE chocolate chip cookies (right ULY!?!). They’re my favorite desert, and the only thing I’m good at making from scratch. One cookie, and I feel a little crappy. Two cookies, and I have racing heart-burn. Three cookies, and I want to curl up in a corner and rage against the gods. And yet I keep eating them ... because I am a moron with poor impulse control.

Update from yesterdays post: My 1-year old didn’t eat her cut-up strawberries with dinner last night. So as I was doing dishes, I tried them for the twelve-thousandth time ... I liked them! :)

HammerheadFistpunch > shop-teacher 09/29/2016 at 11:51

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For me the list so far is:

Fake lemonade

Marinara sauce

Those 2 for sure cause me troubles.

sm70- why not Duesenberg? > shop-teacher 09/29/2016 at 11:54

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Yes! You have been converted to the strawberry side!

Snuze: Needs another Swede > shop-teacher 09/29/2016 at 11:54

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I’m enjoying your exploration of foods you like and dislike, and the foods that have turned on you. Good on you for trying strawberries, though, glad you liked them. My wife still likes to cut them up and put them in my yogurt in the mornings. I still don’t like them, but I choke them down because I love her.

I’m 100% with you on artificial sweeteners. I absolutely cant stand them, the taste makes me nauseous beyond belief. I’d rather drink pee than a diet soda, and I can say this because I once accidentally drank some pee.

Tripper > HammerheadFistpunch 09/29/2016 at 11:55

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Fake lemonade got me too! Made some crystal light for the first time in 10 years the other night. I had a glass and felt like a ate a packet of the powder mix.

crowmolly > shop-teacher 09/29/2016 at 11:56

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White Castle fried onions.

Although I don’t know if it’s the fried onions or the 15 sliders that does it. Possibly both.

V12 Jake- Hittin' Switches > Tripper 09/29/2016 at 11:58

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For me it’s fake lemonade and fruit loops, which sucks because I love fruit loops.

The Crazy Kanuck; RIP Oppositelock > shop-teacher 09/29/2016 at 11:59

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Have you tried making home made BBQ sauce? There are 2 good bases you could use: Vinegar & ketchup. I don’t like ketchup for a topping but is a great base for lots of BBQ sauces. I have a few sauce recipes that are really good. Regarding #2 try using honey or maple syrup for a sweetener. About #3 find a good oatmeal raisin cookie recipe. I prefer them over chocolate chip.

HammerheadFistpunch > Tripper 09/29/2016 at 12:00

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Yeah, something about it really messes with my inside bits.

Rico > Snuze: Needs another Swede 09/29/2016 at 12:00

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vicali > shop-teacher 09/29/2016 at 12:01

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Haha, there is not enough heartburn in the world to stop me eating choco-chip cookies..

There are no foods that have tuned on me in my 37 years, I have had to surrender eating raw cookie dough when I married someone with a degree in microbiology.

Tekamul > shop-teacher 09/29/2016 at 12:07

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Based on yesterday and today, your pantry must be super boring.

Sometimes I think coffee is killing me. But I’ll die with a smile and the caffeine shakes.

Tripper > HammerheadFistpunch 09/29/2016 at 12:08

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+1 instant acid reflux

Steve is equipped with Electronic Fool Injection > shop-teacher 09/29/2016 at 12:08

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Japanese Mayo: That “shrimp sauce” that you get at every Hibachi place tears up my insides.

Trader Joe’s savory mini crackers:

Raging heartburn. For at least 12 hours afterward.

Sugar soda:
Any soda with sugar makes me feel weird and sluggish. Also leaves my pee smelling like Corn pops.

shop-teacher > Tekamul 09/29/2016 at 12:09

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Not really. There’s lots of stuff not on either of those lists.

I love dark black coffee. I don’t know what I’ll do if that turns on me.

shop-teacher > HammerheadFistpunch 09/29/2016 at 12:09

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Fake lemonade is the aspartame. Evil stuff that is!

random001 > shop-teacher 09/29/2016 at 12:10

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But....ROADMASTER!

shop-teacher > Snuze: Needs another Swede 09/29/2016 at 12:11

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Wait, what? How does one accidentally drink pee!?! You can’t just leave that hanging!!

I used to be a muuuuuuch pickier eater. I hate being a picky eater, it’s a total pain in the ass. If you look at yesterday’s list, everything on there is bad for you except for the berries, so I see no reason to try and like those things.

Urambo Tauro > shop-teacher 09/29/2016 at 12:11

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I have to watch myself around corn. It used to be my favorite food as a kid, but now if I have too much of it in too short a time, it does NOT agree with me. I can handle modest doses, but I have to be careful how much corn, soda, nachos, cornbread, etc. that I have in one day.

OPPOsaurus WRX > shop-teacher 09/29/2016 at 12:13

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holy crap, i hope i’m not like that at your age, i want more than 4 more years to eat at free will.

Foods that don’t like me: nothing. my stomach is a tank. I can eat things that should probably go back on the grill for another 10 minutes.

shop-teacher > Steve is equipped with Electronic Fool Injection 09/29/2016 at 12:15

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You know, now that you mention it, some of those really buttery crackers don’t like me either.

I attempted to drink a can of Pepsi at a party last weekend. I had to dump it out about 2/5 in, I just couldn’t handle all that sugar.

shop-teacher > vicali 09/29/2016 at 12:15

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Yeah, me neither. And I will never stop eating raw cookie dough either!

shop-teacher > Urambo Tauro 09/29/2016 at 12:16

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I can see that, corn is hard to digest.

shop-teacher > OPPOsaurus WRX 09/29/2016 at 12:16

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You may be fine for quite a while. Foods didn’t start turning on my dad until he was in his 50's.

Spaceball-Two > shop-teacher 09/29/2016 at 12:17

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Sounds like you might have a wheat allergy.

shop-teacher > crowmolly 09/29/2016 at 12:21

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I can’t even handle the smell of white castle. It’s not allowed in my car.

shop-teacher > sm70- why not Duesenberg? 09/29/2016 at 12:24

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I’ve been wanting to be on that side for a LONG time!

CalzoneGolem > shop-teacher 09/29/2016 at 12:25

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I’m 36 I can and do eat everything, but I’ll pass on the Salmon and organ meats though thanks.

shop-teacher > random001 09/29/2016 at 12:25

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The Roadmaster is going to be listed for sale soon, because rust.

shop-teacher > CalzoneGolem 09/29/2016 at 12:25

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Yeah, I’m with you on the organ meats. I didn’t think to put those on my list, because nobody ever even offers them to me, so I don’t even think about them.

shop-teacher > Spaceball-Two 09/29/2016 at 12:25

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Huh?

CalzoneGolem > OPPOsaurus WRX 09/29/2016 at 12:26

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Well I’m 36 and still have my iron stomach. My grandpa ate every increasing amounts hot sauce and horseradish until he died.

shop-teacher > The Crazy Kanuck; RIP Oppositelock 09/29/2016 at 12:27

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I’ll just stick to dry rub bbq. I do like oatmeal raisin cookies, but they will always be second place to chocolate chip, no matter what the cost I pay in heartburn.

Spaceball-Two > shop-teacher 09/29/2016 at 12:28

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Typically there is some kind of grain in bbq sauce and cookies have flower in them. My wife is allergic to all sorts of wheat products and what you described is similar to what she went through a number of years ago.

CalzoneGolem > shop-teacher 09/29/2016 at 12:32

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I keep forgetting I need to add catfish to the list of things I don’t care for but would eat if I was hungry enough.

shop-teacher > Spaceball-Two 09/29/2016 at 12:35

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Yeah, but I eat tons of other stuff with wheat in it without any such reactions. I eat a sandwich for lunch almost every day.

shop-teacher > CalzoneGolem 09/29/2016 at 12:36

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I like catfish, but only when it’s fresh. The mealy farm raised crap is disgusting.

OPPOsaurus WRX > shop-teacher 09/29/2016 at 12:37

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from a few weeks ago

i like to cut my ribs up so i can get bbq sauce on every side

Spaceball-Two > shop-teacher 09/29/2016 at 12:38

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I think I would die if I couldn’t eat a chocolate chip cookie.

CalzoneGolem > shop-teacher 09/29/2016 at 12:40

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I’m pretty sure you’re the only other person besides my daughter that I’ve heard say they don’t like ketchup.

Rico > crowmolly 09/29/2016 at 12:44

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Haven’t had their ‘murder burgers’ in years

Snuze: Needs another Swede > shop-teacher 09/29/2016 at 12:52

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Good point. Leave the bad stuff, eat the healthy stuff. I’m generally a human garbage disposal and for a long time subsisted on junk. It’s been a lot of work training myself to eat healthy.

So the pee story - when I worked in construction I would always keep a bunch of the big 32oz Gatorades in the work van. I’d also keep an empty as pee bottles because I’d often find myself in situations where I was at a customers and couldn’t go in to use their bathroom because I was filthy dirty or something, and there wasn’t enough cover outside to go discreetly without being noticed. So I’d just go in the back of the van and do my thing and chuck the bottle later.

Well one time I was on my way home from a job, drinking a Gatorade naturally, and some idiot runs a light in front of me so I slam the brakes on and the van gets “re-organized”, meaning all the shit in the back is now in the front. The big Gatorades don’t fit in the cup holders so I would always set them on the floor next to the seat. Once I get going again I reach down to get another drink... except the pee bottle had displaced my Gatorade, and I didn’t realize it until I was already taking a sip.

shop-teacher > CalzoneGolem 09/29/2016 at 12:52

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TFritch agreed with me yesterday about everything except the berries. So that makes three of us!

shop-teacher > Spaceball-Two 09/29/2016 at 12:53

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Me too, so I eat them anyways.

shop-teacher > Snuze: Needs another Swede 09/29/2016 at 12:59

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Having spent many years working construction, that is an entirely understandable and reasonable explanation for how one accidentally drinks pee.

shop-teacher > OPPOsaurus WRX 09/29/2016 at 12:59

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Oh, that would put me down for half a day.

TheRealBicycleBuck > OPPOsaurus WRX 09/29/2016 at 13:54

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You’ll be alright. I’m older than both of these guys and still have an iron stomach. Lunch today? A chorizo burger and fries. Yummy.

random001 > shop-teacher 09/29/2016 at 14:01

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I has a sad....

shop-teacher > random001 09/29/2016 at 14:08

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Me too, but I’ll get something else fun to replace it. I’m eyeballing a ‘99 Tahoe PPV right now.

TheRealBicycleBuck > shop-teacher 09/29/2016 at 14:15

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I have to wonder what the common chemical(s) are between the things that are troubling you. If you can handle BBQ rubs, but not sauce, it can’t be the spices. The spices are the same. Perhaps it’s the tomato in the sauce? That would make sense given that you find the smell of tomatoes revolting. But what’s this nonsense about chocolate chip cookies? Maybe it’s the chocolate. Buy a bag of semi-sweet morsels and eat a handful to see if that’s the cause. If it isn’t, then you’re down to flour, egg, sugar, or baking soda/powder. Wait! maybe it’s artificial vanilla that’s getting to you!

Lemme go grab my hat, looking glass, and pipe and we’ll start searching for answers.

random001 > shop-teacher 09/29/2016 at 14:17

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You could totally save the LT1.... You have an LT1 car, right? LT1....

shop-teacher > TheRealBicycleBuck 09/29/2016 at 14:37

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I think the common link is actually too much sugar.

shop-teacher > random001 09/29/2016 at 14:39

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The car isn’t junk yet, I just don’t want to keep it long enough to become junk. There’s still a lot of life in the beast. The big thing is, a hole has surfaced in the driver’s side B-pillar, so that makes me nervous to have my kids in the car if we get T-boned. If it was just me, I wouldn’t worry about it.

TheRealBicycleBuck > shop-teacher 09/29/2016 at 14:51

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Easy test! Eat a handful of sugar and let us know how it goes....

To get a little more scientific, you could do what we did in one of my biology classes. We were learning about electrolyte balance, osmosis, active transport, and as a corollary, kidneys. The experiment involved various concentrations of salt water and tracking urine output for three hours. I got the seawater. I almost lost my lunch on that one.

You could do the same with varying concentrations of sugar water to see how they affect you.

If it is sugar that’s causing the problem, you may be pre-diabetic or be suffering from irritable bowel syndrome. Time to see a doctor!